you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize