I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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