Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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