i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
