it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
