singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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