My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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