rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
