cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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