One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
