it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize