I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
