Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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