Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
