hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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