The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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