a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
