so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
