My friends, they love my intelligence
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
