i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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