some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
