i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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