she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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