About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
