do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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