Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
