i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
