i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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