My friends, they love my intelligence
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
