alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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