One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
