thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
