I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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