i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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