all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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