The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
