I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
