Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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