Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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