allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
