are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
