She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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