She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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