My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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