i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
