she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
