I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
