Umm I'm too high to move.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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