So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
