When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
