everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
