it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
