Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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