I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
