I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
