Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
