everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
