We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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