i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
