You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
