I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
should my penis look like a turkey
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I didn't notice because vodka
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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