my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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