She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
