Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
